I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
