thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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