he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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