Don't EVER smell your tampon
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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