I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
