Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
