i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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