i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
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It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
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My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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