How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
