he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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