Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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