You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
