i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
When are your genitals available?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
