The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
