return my video game
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
