I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
