I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
