is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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