the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
