Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
