I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
