remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
pray to the hookup gods
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
