if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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