You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
