apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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