Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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