I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
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My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
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I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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