I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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