Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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