hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
