I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
