I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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