Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Text me some of your sweat
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