I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
