There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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