Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
