I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
