I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
