Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
NoShamevember. You game?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
