420 ftw
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
