He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My dick has a subreddit
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
