you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
