I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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