I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
