Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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