Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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