So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
