I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
