I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I want to fling myself into the sun
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
