I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
