In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
