wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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