12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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