He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
