she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
